Musings of Motherhood

Usually I don't post something from my journal unless it's been a while...but today is different. This is from this morning:

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So many things, Jesus; please let them all come forth in light of Your love and let me know freedom in Your truth.

Galatians 2:20

Christ…loved, and

gave Himself up

Ephesians 5:2

Christ…loved, and

gave Himself up

Ephesians 5:25

Christ…loved, and

gave Himself up

Echoing now in my mind are the words of many mothers…

Cindy, Jess's sweet mom, saying to me in her kitchen,

"Not many people love sacrificially without having to."

And also, my thoughts along Hill Road in Mumbai (fitting),

when the young boy yelled for me,

and, knowing what he wanted,

I kept on walking,

not even turning my head in his direction,

entrenched in the bitter thought of,

"you all have taken enough from me already."

But Your thoughts were so much higher. Much higher, and much sweeter:

"No one takes My life, for I give it up on My own accord."

John 10:18

Hours ago, my dear friend's words in the night at an hour she couldn't sleep,

but only cry with sorrow for the sadness of her mother's heart

that knew her daughter would be leaving soon:

"Mothers give so much without getting hardly any of it back."

And Jess Paulraj…

on a blog about her own mother,

emphasizing how she didn't try

to makeshift a life preferable

to her desires on earth,

but rather

stored up treasures in heaven

by imparting Christ to her daughter,

who, in following His lead,

left her nest

and went far to the

other

side

of the world.
And now she is a mother
to two sons.
One, to whom she gave birth.
The other, grafted in
from the corner of a small rural hospital
in northern India.

((Interjection:

f you haven't read about their journey, please do.
Over $100,000 was donated
by friends, strangers
within a week
to give Adam
life-saving surgeries.

This coming spring his little body
will undergo more surgeries.
And they will need more help.
Please, if nothing else, read
and be blessed by the love they are living,
and the story He is telling of His redemption
with their very lives.))

I consider all these things and think --

I have much more to know of love,

much more to know of You.

Voluntarily sacrificial…

all these thoughts emerged when Suzei asked to borrow my car again,

and to ask if I "could go on one more adventure."

Flashbacks of sitting idle in parking lots while their mother ran inside, knowing that three seats plus four boys led to my breath being spent on words they did not heed, and how often I was not slow to anger…how often I didn't have or ask for the energy to do something playful with them in the moment so we could do more than just get by…though never wanting to use manipulation or bribery as incentive for them to obey me, but only love…thinking of the Good Shepherd who leads from the front and entrusts the choice of obedience into His followers…because He wants to be chosen…and my body reminds me how much earlier I sleep on the days I spend giving myself to them…and I look now at the mound of dishes in the sink that need to be washed again, so they can eat again, so they can play and learn and run again, so they can be tired again, so they can sleep again, so they can wake again and we can all do it all over again.

From glory to glory.

OH how I need eyes for You!

The many layers and folds of love are appearing before me

like the treasure room beneath Parkington Lane

in the movie "National Treasure."

I think of my friend Darcy, a world traveler turned stay-at-home mom.

I think of myself, and wonder.

Love is a choice.

And it can be over all, through all, in all.

I think of thoughts writ earlier in these pages,

originating at the home of Emily's mother --

"…A living sacrifice of love…

You are currently shifting my mind, refining it with love,

with Your very heart.

Joy. You designed love to be a joyful thing.

Let me know joy through the veil of sacrificial love.

And more than anything, let me know Your heart."

What else? Let me know such exuberant joy in loving sacrificially. And yet…is asking that sort of backwards? You made Yourself NOTHING and humbled Yourself to the point of death on a cross…

for the joy set before You.

Okay. So I will refine my request. ;)

(But You will do what You want.

But I know You love hearing from me

and giving me the desires of my heart.

You told me to ask anything!)

So…while I want to know joy, I don't want to know it

more than I want to know You.

(Yet…it comes from and has its source in You!)

I ask for times of unexplainable, nonsensical joy

when the world would lament.

I ask that I would know Your heart

when mine knows sorrow

as a result of how I have loved.

I ask that You would protect me

NOT from searing pain,

but from choosing against love,

from not knowing You.

Let all that happens cause me to love more,

never less;

to trust You more,

not less.

Protect that part of me that wants to love,

let it always be further cultivated,

never shriveled.

I ask that I would always believe that it's worth it.

Even if I cannot see how.

Because the end-all of love being worth it

is not my own reward.

It is You being known.

And even if You are only known to me

in those acts of love,

it is still worth it.

Because You died for me too.

I will need help in my belief and in my unbelief alike.

Let Your love be the governor in all of my decisions;

give me grace, tenderness and utmost compassion

to believe You when it's hard,

to keep me walking forward in Your love.

Thank You for loving me so care-fully. Always.

Thank You for the way Glen loves Julia.

For how it shows me Your love for me.

How You are so tender…so patient

and so much more concerned with

the condition of my heart in a matter

than the matter itself.

Relationship. Marriage. Oneness…Us.

You are letting me muse and wonder

and You are letting me hear Your thoughts.

Motherhood or no motherhood for me,

You are making it about the journey WE have

and the relationship that is deepened

as You disclose Yourself to me.

I digress; I rest.

Nothing is sweeter.

Thy will be done.

Thank You <3>

I see you.

This is on my heart for several of my friends today...straight from The heart:

I want you to know that before you even woke up this morning, you already had His attention. You didn't earn it; it's just there. Faithfully. And it isn't going away. You couldn't even make it go away if you tried.

Songs are sung over you. The real you that you are, which is more than the highest thoughts you have of yourself or anything you have tried to make of yourself. Yet even that is looked on with compassion.

I know you're wounded. I know that is why you have been doing what you have been doing -- the times you act out in fear and pride and doubt. I know. And I love you.

Because He.

Did you know that I don't blame you or hold anything against you? I know who you are. And I know that what you've been doing is unbecoming. It's not you.

And the more you behave the way you do, the more compassion I have on you. You must be parched for newness! Even when you hurt me, I only want to lavish you more...show you more kindness and grace -- not less. Because I know the grace I need from you for this new nature, this very Spirit of God to be wooed out of me. I need severe tenderness and patience when I am caught up in the flesh.

I want to love you and sit with you in whatever mess you're in, even if all we know at the time is bitterness and fear and inability to see past the brokenness.

Because He...oh He. I have seen His faithfulness. Day after day He empowers me with His love, making it spring up and make things new even when all I saw and all I felt was darkness and defeat.

I need help to believe that love. And when I believe it, impossible doesn't mean anything anymore.

And that grace...sweet grace. Can I ramble about it for a bit? About how it is constantly disarming, relieving, humbling, awakening
me.

You.

I know the battle over grace. I know that the thought of receiving more seems too daunting and humbling. I know how much sense it can make to put more trust in your track record than in the Spirit of the Living God. I know what it's like to be fearful of the thing you long for...how terrifying it seems before it is trusted. But once received, there is just delight. I don't know why there seem to be so many walls up against receiving. I don't know how something so small can hold back so much. But I know He tore the veil so we could know Him and His grace.

On this side of grace-received, dependence is my new favorite. I can't tell a difference between dependence and confidence. When I feel weak, I feel wooed. The very things that used to discourage me are now incisions where hope abounds. Because He. Now that I know who I am and how He sees me, criticism is not a threat anymore. Validation means something different since He showed me who I am. And vulnerability is not a cause for fear anymore. Whether I am opening myself up for rejection or acceptance, I am not disappointed because every.single.time He unfolds more of His love to me. He lets me receive grace from Him even when it is not given from others. No matter what, I can know the heart of the Lover.

I have confidence and hope not because of what I can see and feel right now but Because He. All my eggs are in His basket.

Dear heart, do you see that? Receiving His grace is the WAY to know Him because He is the Father who gives good gifts to His children and He has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom!

How great...how great is this God, this love, this consuming fire who wields grace for us as a weapon of holy war so we can realize and receive the great love He has for us. How great is this Spirit of Jesus who brought a new commandment for a new covenant -- to love one another as He has loved us.

And you know what? He does all the loving. From Him and to Him and through Him are all things. He is love and He is in us. It's already in you. Rest in Him and let Him live, expressing the realness of who He is through you. And remember His words -- after telling His dear ones how no brach can bear fruit by itself --

Remain in My love.

No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God's love abides in us, and is perfected in us. 1 John 4:12

"I do not condemn you."

Call out to her that her warfare has ended, that her iniquity has been removed, that she has received of the Lord's hand double for all her sins.

Straightening up, Jesus said to her, "Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more."

For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.

Who is He that condemns? Jesus Christ who died, more than that, who was raised.

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. Such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.

Isaiah 40:2, John 8:10-11, John 3:17, Romans 8:34, Romans 8:1, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11

The Heart of the Matter

The Law came in so that the transgression would increase; but where sin increased, grace increased all the more.

By the works of the Law no flesh will be justified in His sight.

Now that no one is justified by the Law before God is evident; for, "The righteous man shall live by faith."

And the Law did not require faith.

But now apart from the Law the righteousness of God has been manifested, being witnessed by the Law and the prophets, even the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all those who believe.

[Put] no confidence in the flesh -- though I myself have reasons for such confidence. In regard to. . . legalistic righteousness: faultless.

But whatever was to my profit I now consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.

I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the Law, but the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ...


Romans 5:20, Romans 3:20, Galatians 3:11-12, Romans 3:21, Philippians 3:3~10

Knowing HIM!

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.

These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you may know that you have eternal life...we know that we are of God, and that the whole world lies in the power of the evil one. And we know that the Son of God has come, and has given us understanding so that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God and eternal life.

You therefore, beloved, knowing this beforehand, be on your guard so that you are not carried away by the error of unprincipled men and fall from your own steadfastness, but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory, both now and to the day of eternity. Amen.

This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.

And this is my prayer: That your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight...

...that you may know the love that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

I have made Your name known to them, and will make it known, so that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them.


Ephesians 1:17-18, 1 John 5:13 & 19-20, 2 Peter 3:17-18, John 17:3, Philippians 1:9, Ephesians 3:19, John 17:26

Victory: Knowing the Name

Through You we push back our enemies; through Your name we trample our foes.

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Those who know Your name will trust in You, for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.

O Lord our Lord, how majestic is Your name in all the earth!

I am the Lord, that is My name, I will not give My glory to another; nor My praise to graven images.

Who has ascended into heaven and descended? Who has gathered the wind in his fists? Who has wrapped the waters in his garment? Who has established all the ends of the earth? What is his name or his son's name? Surely you know!

[The next day] he saw Jesus coming to him and said, "Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!"

Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved.

That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

The righteous and holy one...which God raised from the dead...on the basis of faith in His name, it is the name of Jesus which has strengthened this man which you see and know; and the faith which comes through Him has given him perfect health in the presence of you all.

O righteous Father, although the world has not known You, yet I have known You; and these have known that You sent Me; and I have made Your name known to them, and will make it known, so that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them.


Psalm 44:5, Exodus 14:14, Psalm 9:10, Proverbs 18:10, Psalm 8:9, Isaiah 42:8, Proverbs 30:4, John 1:27, Acts 4:12, Philippians 2:10-11, Acts 3:14-16, John 17:25-26

Trifecta!

Wisdom...grace...humility.

...words from the mouth of the wise man are gracious...


...God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble...

...the humility that comes from wisdom...


Ecclesiastes 10:12, James 4:6, James 3:13

Loving

Whoever loves the Father loves the child born of Him. By this we know that we loved the children of God, when we love God.

Whatever you do for the least of these brothers of Mine, you do for Me.

He who loves his wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the Church, because we are members of His body.

The Father and I are one.

For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, and one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all.

The glory which You have given to Me, I have given to them, that they may be one, just as we are one; I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me and have loved them, even as You have loved Me. Father, I desire that they also, whom You have given Me, be with Me where I am, so that they may see My glory which You have given Me, for You loved me before the foundation of the world. . . I have made Your name known to them, and will make it known, so that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them.


1 John 5:1-2, Matthew 25:40, Ephesians 5:28-30, John 10:30, Ephesians 4:4-6, John 17:22~26