To Know Him

Come, let us return to the Lord. For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the the third day, that we might live before Him.

So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; and He will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth.

Hosea 6:1-3

Intentionally Untitled

It's almost 2 in the morning and I am...inspired. I'm soothed by the peace of Christ as I recline against Him in this chair in a dimly lit kitchen. Thoughts are floating in and out of my mind and I desire to write them.

For starters, I just realized that the Irish flag looks like an Italian flag that has been sitting out in the sun for a few months. I also observed that the southernmost part of India is still in the Northern Hemisphere, so I'm wondering if I'll ever make it to the other side of the equator. It really is just a wondering -- a curiosity that is content to be anywhere in the world as long as I am in Him. But I must admit that I daily crave to be on the Arabian Peninsula. Daily. And the fact that the flight to India I just booked includes a stop in Bahrain excites me to the core. And I think I realized why some people consider some countries to be "closed," even though I don't believe in such a thing with His power. A visa to get into Bahrain allows a maximum stay of 28 days. Wouldn't it be cool to move to Jordan or Iraq or Lebanon and take somewhat frequent visits there? I daydream and scheme about ways to dwell in "those" lands and cultivate faithfulness. But His power is so much greater than my wildest imaginations! And I have some wild ones, courtesy of the Lion of the tribe of Judah.

Bah bah bah, bah Bahrain.

Anyway -- India. As I said, I booked a ticket there the other day. I originally thought it was going to be a one-way ticket, and was just as content either way. But it seemed good -- a phrase used to describe the decision-making of the disciples in the book of Acts -- to purchase a round trip ticket instead. I'm used to flying internationally with passengers I know, but this time it'll just be Jesus and me. There's something particularly sweet about that.

I mean it when I say that trust in Him is all I'm riding on right now. Three out of the six times I have traveled internationally, Spirit was specific in showing me the end from the beginning. I knew without a doubt that all the money was going to come in, that the planes would land, and that I would be well-taken-care-of.

I was trusting "that" and trusting "for." But this time, it's just trust. Period. Spirit hasn't shown me an "end" picture this time. He's just graced me with a lively faith that is so certain of His love for and faithfulness to me.

His victory is that I can't lose. He is GOING to provide for me regardless of where I am in this world. I am His precious! Even if I leave this country with nothing in "my" bank account, I am trusting that what I need will be there every time I go to an ATM. And if not, then He will do something even better than that!

Money does not provide for me.

Food is not the sustenance of my physical existence.

The extent of financial security is simple trust in His loving provision. He has unlimited resources. He is unstoppable and MIGHTY to save.

And please hear this, and consider it with your mind of Christ:

Faith is not a work.

I can't boast in it.

Faith is a gift. Trust is a choice. I think.

And when my faith wanes, He whispers to my soul,

There's grace for that.

There's grace for that...

In the recent seasons of my life, I have found that what keeps fueling my trust the most is a realization of His faithfulness. And when I want to delight in Him more, all I do is ask Him to show me how He delights in me. And when I want to love others, I ask Him to show me how He loves me. I used to think that was selfish. But it's just about knowing Him.

He died to know me. I don't understand that love. But I want to.

There will be ways that He provides for me and miracles that He does in and through me that I will be bursting to tell His Church. I speak from experience! But the greatest part about His provision and His power isn't the stories that will result -- it's knowing Him and experiencing Him personally through it all. HIM -- Jesus Christ. The One who is enthroned as we speak and is forever surrounded by those who impulsively repeat, "Holy! Holy! Holy!" as a natural response of beholding His goodness in its entirety.

Home...

For His sake, I want to know Him. He is so worthy. The best (only) thing anyone can do "for" Him is to know Him. I can't know Him for you just as I can't eat for you. He is just so much. He is the symphony and the conductor; the treasure and the chest; the ocean and the rain. He is the song that I sing and the air that I breathe and He loves me more than I could ever thank Him for while I remain an earth-dweller. But He's prepared another place for me.

And I'm GOING. I'm going to be with Him forever. Just as I am going to bed in a few minutes, I am going to heaven. Paradise. Gold. Pearls. Light. Unhindered and unceasing intimacy with my Precious.

I ache for that. And I am not alone. I don't understand why I sometimes refuse or resist that ache when it arises here...but He is persistent. And He is gracious. And His love drives out my fear because my sins have been punished so that I would not be.

He LOVES us.

Merve.

Rachel: "What do you want to do?"

Me: "I...don't know."

I wanted to sing and dance and laugh and play with that precious child.

Rachel: "Are you going to India? Spirit told me to ask you."

Me: "That's what I've been thinking about this entire time...but Merve's not in India."

Rachel: "How are you going to leave Turkey?"

Me: "In pieces."

I had no idea.

Straight from my journal. 30 June 2011. Thyatira:

Jesus. You are so beautiful.

When i see those who are suffering, i see You Yourself -- Living and active, bruised and carrying Your cross. You captivate and soften me.

i see You most in the least. i see You, Jesus. i see You.

You led me to desire and to ask to see Your Kingdom and Your beauty and Your love and Your glory. It is a dangerous and lovely thing to request. And then You hit me with it.

It happened in Thyatira. Her name is Merve.

She was so beautiful, Jesus. i saw You. i see You most in the least. i want to see You always. You are so beautiful. SO beautiful.

She was standing around. She was young -- maybe eight or nine -- but she stood out from everyone else.

Matted hair. Dirty hands. Shoes that were obviously too big for her. Her eyes could not have been more piercing. They were deeply inset and striking white against her ebony skin. i saw innocence behind the hardness. But the hardness was not hard for long. Your love wooed her open and seeped through the cracks.

It all began (sort of) when the air conditioner on the bus quit working. We waited outside the Thyatira ruins for it to be repaired. i saw her first outside the jackpot candy store. i had a white chocolate bar and turned around to buy three more because it was so good. i walked up to her and offered it. She didn't accept. i smiled. i wanted to be around her and i wanted her to know that. Your Love in me pursues. So i asked her her name.

"Merve."

Beautiful.

She mingled around us and quickly realized that we don't speak much Turkish. We spoke as much as we knew how and smiled through it all. She seemed closed off. She told us more than we could understand. We smiled anyway.

Kristin bought her water. She accepted the chocolate on the second offer. A younger boy showed up and stayed around her. He may or may not have been her younger brother. He looked about five or six.

We sat on an umbrella table stump. Sitting was most of what happened. The boy kept pointing at my camera. i gestured an offer to take their picture. They nodded and loved it.

There was a word she kept repeating while she was with us. i didn't know it at the time, but she was saying, "Can I come with you? Can I come with you? Can I come with you?"

Heart.

i strongly remember the moment when You nudged me to open my hand to her. She latched onto it and i prayed Your peace over her. She leaned her head against my shoulder. i was instantly in pieces and especially in love.

You amaze me. You wanted to hold her hand.

She walked over to be with the larger portion of my friends. i sat speechless on the umbrella's base. After a minute or so of stunned silence i joined them by the gate. When i walked up, my heart rejoiced. She was gettin' loved. Some were letting her use their camera. Others were extending their hands for her to hold. Arms were available for her to lean on. Laughter was prevalent.

The Body of Christ.

My heart swelled to watch her interact with those who gave her their loving attention. i genuinely wondered if she had ever been hugged before. She took the next two pictures.

She came back over to me and took a picture of us.

i saw love bring her out of the dark. The Life in me brought her out of the grave. Kindness awakened her to goodness. Her smile was so beautiful. i won't forget it even though the photographic evidence suggests otherwise. i saw Your Light.

K I N G D O M

My arms couldn't resist hugging her. You couldn't resist hugging her. My hands couldn't help but reach for hers. The light in my eyes couldn't be kept from shining Hope into her soul. You did these things. My hands and arms and eyes realized why they were created. i spilled open and Love fell in. Now let it be unstoppable.

You gave me a smile that poured love over her and beckoned her into Your arms. She kept grabbing onto my arm with both of her hands and leaning against me. It melted me every single time.

Josh came to tell us that the bus had arrived. i embraced her joyfully and hugged her as tightly as i could. i leaned close to her ear and whispered the only sentence i know in her language:

"Isa Mesih Sani Savior!"

"Jesus Christ loves you!"

Her face...it lit up! i invited her to walk with us back to the bus. She grabbed my hand and i swung our arms back and forth as we walked. Again she leaned against me. Again my heart melted. Before i got on the bus, i got eye-level with her and held both of her hands in mine as i said, "Seni seviorum ve Isa Mesih Sani savior."

"I love you and Jesus Christ loves you."

We smiled and Turkish-kissed.

i got on the bus and watched her wave and smile from the street. She soon walked to the back of the bus and kept motioning for me to get off and stay with her. i had never been more thankful to not know the language of the country i was in. Even if i did, i would not have been able to tell her that i couldn't stay with her and she couldn't come with us.

After a few moments of her asking me to stay with her and me standing helplessly irresponsive, she walked up the stairs and pressed against the side of the bus, as if hiding. She looked so afraid and so almost-but-not-yet relieved. i looked at her longingly and lovingly and told her again that i love her. it took more trust than i had at that moment to believe that she would see love as more than something or Someone who comes and goes. Her name will never be "Abandoned." My hand remained in hers as the driver of our bus told her to get off.

She resisted -- much the way i resist when i'm about to jump off a cliff or a diving board. There is that start-stop movement that happens and an inner, rising tension that prevails and consumes. i saw this in her.

She kissed my hand and touched my fist to her forehead and then threw it behind her as she ran down the stairs of the bus. The door closed and as we pulled away i watched her weeping on the street by herself.

it wrecked me. Love wrecked me. And i knew that what had just happened was a before and after of sorts.

i remained standing on those steps for probably half an hour. i stood there missing her presence that once stood with me. Rachel came to stand by me and hold my hand. Nothing was spoken, but much was conveyed. We shared silence as we stared blankly out the window at the passing mountains. i thought of India. i wondered if it was worth it from her perspective to spend an hour with Americans who would love her so much only to leave her so quickly. i thought of Psalm 146. i thought of You, Who executes justice for the oppressed, Who gives food to the hungry, Who sets prisoners free, Who protects the strangers, Who supports the fatherless and the widow, Who thwarts the way of the wicked. The only option i had was to trust You to do what You promised.

Fear not at all. Where your hands cannot reach and your love cannot help, His hands can reach and His love can help. So why are you afraid? Miles of space and solid walls and locked doors are nothing to love. Nothing at all. -Amy Carmichael

i love You, Jesus. i love You.

i realized then that i wasn't called to accomplish anything. In those moments i realized that my lot was to look that child in the eyes and love her. And as i did, i saw You staring back at me.

i thought more of You.

The crucifixion happened because of Love, not hatred. It was an act of justice from heaven's view -- not injustice. It was a momentary act of wrath on the spotless Lamb to bring about an eternal act of mercy on those who once opposed You.

G R A C E .

Something is happening to me. YOU are happening to me. As You wish, let it be so.

i'm all Yours.

Things Considered

There are so many blogs I haven't posted because they were incomplete or I didn't like the flow of my own words. My mom told me a month or so ago that I am a perfectionist when it comes to writing. I hadn't considered that before, but I think she's right. The blogs that come to mind are usually incomplete, or there is a full body paragraph with no introduction or conclusion. Maybe my thoughts don't have a beginning or an end because neither does He? Who knows. :) And why is an introduction or a conclusion important anyway? I was confining myself a little bit in putting such a high expectation on my written words. It is for freedom He set us free, and i have things to say, so here i go, with no introduction and with a run-on sentence and two intentionally lower-cased "I"s.

Lately, I have been absolutely fascinated by and enamored with the promise that God is always going to provide for me. It is like I am realizing it for the first time. Wherever I am in the world, He is going to sustain me -- until He brings me Home, which sounds amazing right now. As I was reveling in this with my closest human friend, she said, "Yes! His victory is that you can't lose!"

It sheds light on freedom and joy for me. Here's an example:

In the recent past, whenever I would meet up with a friend for food, my meal would always be eaten in tension if who was paying for it was not previously discussed. I am very much a saver when it comes to money, and I like to think I have good reasons for doing so. But His grace trumps my good intentions, just as it trumped Eve's. His promises to provide for me cannot be hindered or undone.

So He refined my mind in this way: No matter whose wallet the money comes from, God is the one Who just put chicken in my belly. (I say chicken because of how much I enjoy it and how often I eat it.) It doesn't matter how expensive it was; He considered that and is fulfilling His promises to provide. Understanding that gives me the liberty to give freely without giving cheaply.

Most of the meals I have eaten recently have been eaten in awe and joyful thanks. My Father feeds me! Daily! With good things! That is all I see when I eat or drink anymore -- not dollar signs or empty pockets or good intentions. Awareness of His grace causes me to eat in tension no longer. I am resisting the urge to counter-balance everything I just said with a reminder to not be unwise with what He has given us. But grace, once realized, instructs. It is not limiting. And there's enough grace, I once heard, to waste.

Enjoy His faithfulness.

Heaps of Grace, Relentless Kindness

Dear Church,

But God...raised us up with Him and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 2:6-7

He keeps you. You are His. Pride has been defeated. Our enemy has been disarmed.

He put Himself under His own wrath in Jesus Christ, though you were the ones to provoke it. He preferred to experience avenging His own punishment (and therefore agony) on Himself, so that you would not be caught in its crossfires. He is the only one able to endure His own wrath. You surely would have perished.

And yet He still got what He wanted -- intimate relationship with you. The very things He formed you for are the very things He restored you to in Christ Jesus. It is exactly what He wanted.

He has made you objects of His kindness, thought for a short while He was the object of His own anger. And He tells you that your slate is clean, that the gift is free, that the joy is yours for the taking. He tells you that everything is paid for, that the punishment has been carried out, that you will never have to apologize to Him again.

He tells you that you are free from the very thing that caused His wrath to be aroused.

This is too good. This is grace. He never didn't want you.

Selah.

For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another. But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and Renewing by the Holy Spirit, Whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.

Titus 3:3-7

Help Our Indian Brothers and Sisters

Their resilience astounded us. Their love inspired us. Their joy was evident to us.

They chose to follow Jesus despite the unavoidable sufferings that would result. They have been beaten and threatened multiple times for choosing to follow Him by shepherding His people in the slums of New Delhi.



My friends and I had the opportunity to meet this family of six. Each week for three months we would drive about two hours until the road became too narrow for the vehicle. We walked the remaining distance: A few hundred yards down a narrow, bending alley filled with colored walls that somehow made the polluted sky look bluer. At the end of the alley on the righthand side, we were welcomed each time by one of the precious family members.



They would invite us in and offer us chai and biscuits. (They're called biscuits, but they're basically little cookies.) We would leave our shoes outside of the front door and sit in white plastic chairs or along the side of a bed. We would sit for 10-15 minutes and then some of the family would lead us to the heart of the slums just minutes away. Again, we would drive until the road became too narrow. From there we would walk less than 100 yards to the home of a Christian family that would soon be overflowing with children.



The children came from all over the slums. Their parents formed a spectrum of nominal to radical Hindus and Muslims. Each time we told them stories of Jesus, sang songs, asked their names, prayed for them, and a few times we gave them candy. Sometimes we would go to different houses and pray for those who wanted it. I could write a separate blog filled with those stories alone. Toward the end of our time there, one of the girls would always grab my hand and walk with us back to the vehicle. All we could do was smile, hug, and say, "I love you. I pray for you." I didn't know much Hindi, and she didn't know much English, but a definite, inexplicable connection was made.



My purpose in writing all of this is due to a need that has gone unfulfilled for over a year. This pastor -- whom I know and have seen many times personally -- has begun constructing a building immediately outside of his home. At this time, he does not have the means to finish it. His intention is to use it as a place for people to gather together, hear about Jesus, and worship Him.



It is roughly 200 square feet -- which is about twice the size of the home the believers usually meet in. Most of the walls are in place, but it is in need of doors, windows, a roof, and electricity. Recently some people have stopped coming to the original home because it is too small, too crowded and too cold on the floor. The estimated cost to finish is about $4,300. Those of us who have been are hoping for closer to $5,000 so that they will be able to have furniture of some sort and good mats for the floor.

Two main verses come to mind when I think of India. Isaiah 51:3 and Philippians 4:19.

And my God will meet all your needs according to the glorious riches that are in Christ Jesus.

I am asking you to pray with me for our brothers and sisters in India. I do not doubt that God will meet all their needs. Let me know if you are interested in being a part of that.

Peace,
Brittany

The King and the Castle

Dear Church,

At just the right time, the Spirit of Jesus Christ brought this quote to my attention:

"Satan is always trying to maneuver you into a position where you can save your castle only by losing your bishop."

C.S. Lewis

You have an inheritance, Church. It is He Himself. You have an inheritance and you are an inheritance...Christ's inheritance.

Hear:

In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will. . . In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation -- having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God's own possession, to the praise of His glory. . . For this reason. . . I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints.

Ephesians 1:11, 13, 14, 15, 18

Have you ever thought of yourself as His inheritance? You are His portion and His treasure whom He came to redeem. You are His; it is sealed and it is irrevocable! He sought you and saved you out of the depths of His great love, though you had gone after other lovers.

I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.

Song of Solomon 6:3

I am His and He is mine.

I am His inheritance and He is my inheritance.

For the Lord's portion is His people; Jacob is the allotment of His inheritance.

Deuteronomy 32:9

We have been given an inheritance. Access. (Ephesians 2:18.) In the beginning was perfect relationship existing between the Father, Jesus, and His Holy Spirit. He formed us to join with Him in that relationship, but we turned our hearts against Him. But God in His mercy and His unrelenting love pursued us so that we might be restored to enjoy what He originally formed us for. We were saved from much, and we were saved for much.

What now is our lot? Knowing Him. Being in Him. Delighting in Him. This is what causes the aroma of Christ to exude from us. Evangelism is then natural. Love is natural. Truth is sought and devoured. All fears are claimed by Love. Suffering is beautiful and glorious because of the interactions with His presence that result. There is no intimacy like this. I could write for days about the delight and the satisfaction and the glory of this intimacy. For now, I will leave it at that.

May the Spirit of God grant you understanding and revelation, so that we may know who He is and who He has made us to be. He has enabled you to know Him -- so feast!

The Old Covenant was law-ridden and our relationship with Him was filled with stipulation after stipulation. (His love, however, remained unconditional.) Now our relationship with Him is just that -- a relationship. We have direct access to Him now that He lives in us, and we have the promise that He will never leave. The things we do, the places we go, and the decisions that we make are second to knowing Him. I pray that He reveals the wonder of this to us increasingly.

This is eternal life, that they may know Me and He who sent Me.

John 17:3

Selah,

bd

Letter to a Friend

Dear Church,

This isn't the holistic update I have been planning to write. That will come soon.

The past few weeks, I have been writing a series of letters to a dear, dear friend of mine. Tonight the letter was a revision of a note I wrote to myself a little over two years ago. I am itching to revise it further, but if I begin that, I may not finish it and it may not get posted. In summation, though, I will say this:

Marriage is no longer the scope through which I view Christ and the Church. The relationship between Christ and His Bride is now the lens through which I view everything else. It never ceases to fascinate me. More on that later, beloved...

October 29, 2008, 23:07

Oh, girl --

Don't try to win him with your charm.
Don't try to put forth something you're not.
It will take more energy than you have to keep up an image of yourself that will eventually crumble.
REST.
Search your heart and see that that is what you really want.
You don't want to have to keep trying to be something you're not.
You are who you are, and you are SO wonderfully and intentionally made.
If you were to search your heart, you would almost definitely find a desire to be loved and accepted and enjoyed and celebrated for who you are -- not for who you can pretend to be.
If all you show is a mask, the mask will get loved.
(But God pours His love on you ceaselessly...)
Again, I say to REST.
Seek the Lord -- not a relationship.
He is the God of relationships, and knows exactly what you need -- and don't need.
Trust Him to do the winning of the hearts -- and do not trust your charm.
"At just the right time..."
Let Him win the hearts -- because He wants all the credit.
This builds up your assurance in His will.
Seek Him now, seek Him then, seek Him until then, and seek Him beyond.
Seek the Lord and LIVE -- abundantly, victoriously, freely.
Trust Him and give Him your whole heart.
He made it.
He knows how it works.
He will wake it up in ways you didn't know could thrive with such life.
He is Life.
And your past?
Whatever it is, you're not beyond healing.
You're not beyond restoration.
Grace always tells another story.
It extends a long way down. It meets us where we are in order to bring us to where we could never otherwise be.
If you receive it, it will tell your story in a whole new way.
No one can love you like the Lord.
No one can see you quite like He does.
No one can fulfill - or even know - your needs like the Lord can.
You want romance? He's the Author of it.
He will guide you to overflowing springs, if you let Him.
Marriage is like Christ and the Church.
And just as Christianity isn't about being good enough, neither is marriage about being good enough.
It's not for what you could earn, but to express and receive a love undeserved.
That's why it's grace.
And it is AMAZING.