Strainers and Scars

I've had some trouble sleeping lately. Along with that, the past few days have been ridden with bouts of restlessness for reasons I'm unsure of.

But I see Him there too. Sometimes, it's not even because I was looking for Him.

"I was found by those who did not seek Me; I became manifest to those who did not ask for Me." Isaiah 65:1

For most of this weekend, I could feel that restlessness creeping up on me. It expressed itself through my constant checking of every possible way anyone could communicate with me. And why? I'm not sure. And I don't want to chase the wind of figuring it out point by point. But it probably comes down to this: What a man desires is unfailing love. Proverbs 19:22.

Last night was beautiful, though. I was lying in bed with two journals, two Bibles, two blankets and too much restlessness. I wanted the latter to go away, and I could only think of one thing to do about it.

I saw myself tugging at the hem of His robe, panting, "Love me, love me, love me, love me, love me!"

"Build yourselves up in your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit; keep yourselves in the love of God as we wait..." Jude 20-21

Stillness...and then, an image. One I hope I don't forget.

IN His hands I saw a strainer...I poured in dust, shards of glass, gravel, and other broken things. But out fell diamonds strained by grace.

"I gave You brokenness, You gave me innocence and now this road leads to glory..." Audrey Assad

At first I saw a strainer held by both of His hands through which all things fell and became jewels of grace. But then I saw His scars as the holes through which all things in His hands were sifted and made new.

"Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands..." Isaiah 49:16

I can't get the image out of my head.

It reminds me of the king who turned everything he touched into gold..except this is my life, and the life of all who are in Christ.

:)

"And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

"The Lord has established His throne in the heavens, and His sovereignty rules over all." Psalm 103:19

A String of Pearls

Oh, how He loves me.

The only way I could express what I want to say tonight is by letting it be scattered. There are so many stories I could tell -- and WANT to tell. But tonight I simply want to describe the treasures I have found recently, examining each pearl one by one that hangs on a seamless thread of gold.

How is it that I am in a life where people beg for me to let them love me? How is it that among those are ones who say, "You don't have to do anything," when I say, "I don't even know what to do with all of this love"?

How is it that loving vulnerably with my whole heart is no longer a place of fear, but of rest and unspeakable joy? How is it that when Love pours Himself out of me that I am fulfilled, lacking nothing, and don't care if I receive anything in return? How is it that I am no longer concerned with keeping tabs on human terms, but with basking in the heavenly joy that I receive when I give? How is it that He satisfies me so much that even the slightest acknowledgement from the ones I love is received as lavishing grace because I was already overflowing?

How is it that I think of "dying every day" and resting in His love as one in the same? What brought me to the point of believing that when He leads me to "sacrifice," it is no sacrifice at all? What is it that makes me so convinced of future delight that I am dancing now over a goodness I haven't seen, but can taste anytime by trust?

Though I have not seen Him, I love Him, and even though I do not see Him now I trust Him and am filled with inexpressible and glorious joy, obtaining as the outcome of my trust... 1 Peter 1:8-9

How is it that I approach the throne of Grace boldly with joyful, open hands? How is it that I don't think anything would be too much to ask? What makes me think that YHWH is glorified and pleased to give me the desires of my heart?

How am I not surprised anymore when He gives good gifts to His Brittany?

Who convinced me that I can live and love as if I have no good thing to lose or ill thing to gain? What makes me think I am so free?

Why in the world am I walking boldly along a line of blatant, visible uncertainty with goblets of bravery and every ounce of love I have ever known? Why do I feel so secure? What thrusts me into a place that is beyond unafraid, but playfully hopeful? How can One Man's promises corner me into such excitement?

What makes me think I know and feel the heartbeat of the Lover of my soul? What caused me to believe that I find more in a moment of faith than others learn in decades of "knowledge"? Who am I to say that I know His heart? Do I think I'm His darling wife, His treasured inheritance to whom He longs to reveal Himself?

Yes. I do.

How is it that a situation that could have easily been complicated and painful was instead freeing, graceful, simple and restful? Do I think His yoke is that easy?

How is it that I can sit on the floor and say nothing and another in the room can feel immensely loved by my presence? Why do I keep finding that the more I rest in His love and enjoy His presence, the more love others experience through me?

Why do I think Jesus is so eager not only to love me, but to love FOR me? Why would I think He wants to do anything on my behalf?

Scars. It's His scars, people.

Selah.

How could I have a terribly heavy heart one day and then freely, joyfully let the ocean's waves crash over me the next? What is that thing in me that loves to play without a goal and laugh because I can? What kept me doing cartwheels on the beach until I was too dizzy to stand upright...and not care? How is it that I played tag with the shore and lost every time but felt like I had won a prize anyway?

How is it that I don't try to process beauty anymore -- visible or not -- but only want to behold it?

How is it that the only measure I use anymore is not time or space or quantity, but love?

What made me say to my dear friend, "Knowing Him in all things seemed irrelevant until it consumed me...and then everything else seemed irrelevant"?

How is it that the only thing to ever make me stubborn is love?

How is it that sometimes I can't get past the embrace of His love to even notice if I am cold or tired or hungry?

What makes me think that the more vulnerable I am, the more love I will receive? Why do I think I am only opening myself up to grace? Why don't I think it's a gamble? Why am I not afraid of being disappointed?

What finally broke my belief in the lie that when I choose to love one person, I am not loving another?

Why am I no longer afraid to put together something so raw and unedited? Such is my heart. Why don't I taste any shame when I let things be what they already are, out in the open instead of festering within?

Why am I beginning to love my weaknesses and not think so highly of my strengths?

What has made me so bold -- or is it weak? -- that I err on the side of grace?

Why do I think of myself as royalty?

Why do I think He loves me so much?

Why do I think that being in a desert with Jesus sounds more like a honeymoon getaway than a season of drought?

What is it that makes me believe my heart and my feelings aren't right or wrong anymore, but just ARE? Why have I stopped telling myself what I should be or do, but instead tell myself to just BE whatever and however I am in Him? Only in Him.

Why? How? And what?

I am His, and He is mine.

<3

Products of Resurrection

For those of you in the Northern Hemisphere:

Take note of all that He conveys through the season of Spring. That grass? Those flowers? Those blossoms on the trees? They're each a product of resurrection.

And it all feeds the fire of my hope.

Because it tells me that the way things are are no indication of the way they could be. It tells me that there are not only seeds in an apple, but apples in a seed. It tells me that something once helplessly dead can be vibrantly alive, though it may seem slow in coming.

The same One Who faithfully ushers in the season of awakening the earth is the One Who has been conveying this message of resurrection and hope throughout all ages. An outnumbered army defeated their enemy. Three men were thrown into a blazing fire but walked out alive and did not even smell like smoke. A shepherd boy became a king. The Messiah was born of a virgin. The King of the world was beaten to death, buried and resurrected in a matter of days.

And today, I saw grass piercing concrete.

That's my God. That's my hope. That's the Lover of my soul. He speaks for Himself.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Heartist

I sit here tonight because something has been stirred inside me. Frustration, first, responding to the arrows of, “What the hell are you doing with your life?” I considered shaking my fists in the air at the One who says He is in charge of all this life business. I considered taking the bait and swallowing the lies that would dilute my joy. I considered doubt. But I’ve been told I have an inheritance that is far more enjoyable and life-giving. So I’d like to receive that. Now.

Something else. A still, a calm, a quiet. Tranquil waters and an eager heart to know what’s next. I have found that there is a difference between being anxious and worrisome about what could be coming (or not coming), and being eagerly desirous of whatever Abba lays before me next. The first listens to fear and decides to worry based upon my own weakness. The other looks to the Giver with a trusting smile, knowing that He will let me know what I need to know when I need to know it. Trusting that His grace will be my strength for whatever I can’t do — and would never want to do — on my own. Life is just so much more vibrant when lived with His power and love. He’s an artist of the heart. Heartist? Heart. HE-art. Heartist. Why not? :)

And it’s not even about what I do. Everything I do is secondary to knowing Him. That relationship is where everything stems from. It’s the way He designed it. It’s my joy and my heart’s delight. Knowing Jesus. Because if I can’t know Him, I don’t want to live. And now that I have begun to know Him, nothing else compares. I can’t go back to living any other way because I have tasted and seen that He is SO good.

What I need isn’t to figure out a plan. Again, that is secondary.

I need only to remember and believe…to trust the truth of The Living God — and I mean LIVING, breathing, inhaling, exhaling, wave-making, earth-shattering, skin-tingling, hair-raising, heart-awakening, mountain-moving GOD.

Simplicity. My concerns don’t have to be many. I have a tendency to make this harder than it has to be. My role is to know Jesus, love Jesus, trust Jesus, and He does everything else.

Hallelujah YHWH that there only has to be one real pursuit in this life.

“Return to your rest, o my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.” Psalm 116:9

Incentive to Dance

I parked. Windows down, volume up, one foot out the window and my arms sprawled above me in the sunshine. Reveling. Deeply. Savoring the Spirit I can almost see; treasuring the voice I can almost hear.

Us. Him and me. Being to be. "Show me anything," I said.

Words were secondary.

The next thought made me suddenly aware of my beating heart: What if I dance in that field?

Of course. There's that voice I know so well, that Lion-heart with His wild side. He has a way of repeatedly making me feel like a butterfly with forgotten wings who had just been told to fly. Nudged off the edge, not to do me in, but to undo my fear and to give me joy in flying instead of dread in falling.

He makes all things new. But fear.

No, I will rearrange those words. Fear. But He makes all things new.

Loud, distracting, irrelevant fear. There was a real live woman just to my left, sitting in her car too but seemingly engrossed in earth-business. Her door was open, so I didn't have to knock. After a few deep breaths and a shaking of my head at myself, I tumbled out of my car and skipped over to her. Smiling. Because I can.

"Would it disturb you if I turn up the music and dance in that field?"

"Not at all! But thank you for asking!"

A part of me wished she would have told me that she prefers the low hum of suburbia behind the sound of winged creatures chirping in skeletal shubbery.

But alas, I walked to the front of my small car and sprawled out on the hood. Red, appropriately, as it stung my skin with the heat it absorbed from the sun. I remained for several minutes, tottering between opposing desires to either explode into dancing or remain motionless. I remembered how often I asked Him to teach me how to dance. I didn't bother with professor YouTube; I just went straight to the Source. And last year, in an Indian village, He taught me how. More recently, He has been nudging me to dance outside the perimeters of an empty house where no one else can watch.

So there I was, remembering, loving every breath and utterly unable to contain a smile or the giggles that ensued. It didn't matter if my eyes were opened or closed because the Jesus I beheld transcended all I could see or imagine.

And though I was enjoying it so much, fear was slithering in like ivy around my ankles. I didn't dance in that field between a cemetery and a parking lot..today. But something happened as I drove away:

Fear became an incentive to dance.

Fear became incentive, and incentive became resolve: I will return to that field. And with or without fear, I will dance by His grace and bury the fear and the shame and the pride with the bones that belie the green earth.

This is the day that the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

P.S. A Googling of synonyms for "tree" was used in the writing of this post.

Freely Scattered

Warning: This post will be all over the place. I'll add pictures to make the length more bearable. ;)

Shall I mention how much the enemy hates this grace? Two posts ago I wrote a letter to him -- not something I want to do regularly or flippantly, but something that happened to spew from a pounding heart and racing fingertips.

How he hates me. Or Him, mainly. Jesus, Who I'd rather write to and about. These words sum up my past few weeks:

But still I get hard-pressed on every side
Between the rock and the compromise
Like truth in a pack of lies fighting for my soul
I got no place left to go
Cause I got changed by what I been shown
It's more glory than the world has known
Keeps me ramblin' on
Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall
I'm free to love once and for all
And even if I fall I'll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levees and my bluffs
Let the flood wash me

-Josh Garrels, "Farther Along"

He is irresistible to me. The more I taste, the more I crave, yet I never lack any good thing. Life with Him is abundant and no less. The more I discover of how abundant this life can be, the more I want to share it just to say to His people that there is MORE that we can know of Him here. And whatever "more" there is, I want it. More than anything. It is the only desire I have that can stand alone. Because He is good enough to stand alone. To know Him more...to trust Him more...to rest more...to receive and disperse more of His love.

And I have to say...it has been interesting lately. Years ago I prayed that He would lead me through unchartered waters of trust. Recently, presently that looks like Him showing me His desire to love, showing me it's my desire too since He is in me, and telling me that I am free. In the past, He would be so specific with me. "Move to Mom's from Dad's. Winter 2006." "Mexico. Winter 2007." "North Africa. Summer 2010." "Middle East. Summer 2011." "Go to Meijer. Pick up the Asian lady on the side of the road." "Knock on the door of that house you've never been to."

I was so confused when He first started showing me this free-to-Love thing. I would heed His voice and hear no direction other than, "It is for freedom that I set you free." That didn't seem specific enough based on my history with His voice. However, the ways I wanted to love were very specific. Specific, though, in ways that left me trembling with my heart wide open. But I wouldn't trade that lot for anything. This is what it seemed to come down to:

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6

"Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently from the heart." 1 Peter 1:22

"...know the love that surpasses knowledge..." Ephesians 3:19

"We have come to know and believe the love God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." 1 John 4:16

The thing in me that is begging to be expressed is Jesus. He is love, and that leads me to believe that if I know what the love in me wants to do, then I know what He wants to do. The love of Christ compels me, and I have His mind.

He makes it so there is a vital role of trust involved. He changed the game for me when I stopped worrying about which steps would be wrong or right or bad or good. Trusting Him is right. Loving Him and His people is good. And I just don't think it has to be any more complicated than that. Freedom...IN Christ. With Christ. Because of Christ. There is freedom no where else.

A few rhyming words:

Carrying His heart in mine
My steps became the dotted line I searched for
Wondering all the while
Of wrong or right while in denial
Of grace that mends the wrong to right
Because anything goes as long as love is in flight

And...and...I would like to mention that He is giving me the ability to have rest in a mystery and bravery without certainty. I didn't know He could do that! I'm not surprised that He can, I'm just amazed that He does. He amazes me ALL the time. Matchlessly.

Jesus, let me abound in the hope that is You. (Romans 15:13)
Let me abound in the hope that does not disappoint. (Romans 5:5)
Give me grace to trust You, the God who does not disappoint. (Psalm 22:5)
You do not disappoint because You love, and it dissolves every fear, so I can live freely in Your love. (Romans 5:5. 1 John 4:18, Ephesians 5:1-2)

Without having seen Him, you love Him; though you do not even [now] see Him, you believe in Him and exult and thrill with inexpressible and glorious (triumphant, heavenly) joy. [At the same time] you receive the result (outcome, consummation) of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:8-9 AMP

A Haven

Earlier this week I had the privilege of taking care of three of my siblings. (It was far from singlehanded with the aid of public schools and gracious neighbors who took them in while I was at work.) It thrilled and filled my heart to get to live a half-past-sister-yet-not-quite-mom role. They are some remarkable kids and high on my list of people I want everyone to meet.

One of the nights I was alone with them, something caught my eye that I hope to always see. I was putting away laundry and singing harmony (loudly) to the song playing in my brother's room. One of my sisters came running in to show me a video that she has shown me many times before...one that still has yet to lose its funny luster in her eyes.

For a few moments my thoughts were, "Hey! Don't you see that this space is already audibly occupied? Could you wait until my song is over?"

But Something Loving hushed me before I could open my mouth to say anything. And for a split second I saw something beautiful that I have mulled over every day since.

I saw a haven...a protected realm otherwise known as a relationship where I sacrificed whatever I had to so that she would know she is always welcome and always wanted; where she can freely be herself and always delighted in in response, without ever asking for permission or once apologizing for who she is. THAT'S the kingdom, people.

It's grace! I saw grace. She approached me the way the throne of grace was designed to be approached. For too long I treated it like a throne of begging instead -- because I didn't know how He longed to be gracious to me. I didn't know that it was for His glory and good pleasure for Him to give to me and for me to receive what He gives -- which is also for my good and joy. Isn't that beautiful?! I cannot depict this accurately so I hope those who read this get to experience what I'm talking about. Thank You, Jesus!

May Your throne of grace be the crown of all my relationships, and may truth be the scepter that dispenses freedom and abundant life. Grace also to heal all wounds; truth also to dispel lies and fear.

Jesus...full of grace and truth.

A Letter to Doubt from the Pen of Grace

Dear Doubt,

I understand why you persist. Your intentions are apparent and your effects are ugly. Dark. Stale. A kill-joy. Like a silenced song before it was through. Like an elated new mother giving birth to a stillborn. You make an illusion of loose ends and unresolved issues to cause a chasing of the wind and further illusions of deficiency. You allure your subjects to paths without peace and clouds without rain. You are vicious.

Lately I have been particularly aware of your attraction to those who have been captured by a certain grace. You bombard their minds with humanly reasonable thoughts, far-from-living waters of the worst intent: To snuff out the hearts ablaze with grace's flames.

You will do anything in your power to keep as many as possible from realizing the tender, zealous, earth-shattering, all-encompassing grace of God in Christ Jesus. You can't do anything about His triumph over you, so you try to keep the earth-dwellers from experiencing the mystery of God. But oh how it must remind you of your defeat when a soul exhales into rest in the Spirit of the Living God and freely enjoys His ceaseless embrace!

You play dirty. And if I were you, I would too. Because I am sure you have seen the effects of this grace. I bet you writhe when I dance and choke when I sing. Surely, you must know what you are up against. But in case you have forgotten, let me remind you. Not with my words, but with His power.

You are in an arena with the Lion of the tribe of Judah. You have come against those who are eternally more than conquerors. I am sure you remember your dealings with Him. You have come against warriors whom you are trying to blind to their weapons, but their desperation leads them to realizing the power they have in the love of Jesus Christ. You have been disarmed and all you have to fight with are lies and schemes that are beautiful stories in the making.

And did you know that your attempts actually serve to aid in a person's realization of the truth that sets them free? Do you realize that even your dirtiest scheme is picked up and used for your Enemy's purposes? You are shooting arrows that are morphed into precious lilies. You are opening your mouth to bite and devour, but your attempt dissolves into a gentle kiss. You can't win.

Who is sabotaging every one of your schemes? Who resurrects when you kill, restores when you steal, and rebuilds when you destroy? Who is sovereign? Who is Mighty to Save? Who makes all things new?

Who else but Jesus Christ the righteous? Who else but the Savior of the ones you can't have?

You know Him, but not like I know Him. You hear His voice, but not the way I do. You too shudder in His presence, but not with delight. You have a future with Him, but mine is brighter. Bright, actually, with the glory of the Lamb that you thought you destroyed. You thought His blood meant His defeat...but it actually brought about yours. Sucker.

Grace is the name of the covenant that will never pass away. May the ones under this grace revel in it daily, walk in it freely, and intimately behold the One who brought it into existence.

In Jesus' name.