Oh, how He loves me.
The only way I could express what I want to say tonight is by letting it be scattered. There are so many stories I could tell -- and WANT to tell. But tonight I simply want to describe the treasures I have found recently, examining each pearl one by one that hangs on a seamless thread of gold.
How is it that I am in a life where people beg for me to let them love me? How is it that among those are ones who say, "You don't have to do anything," when I say, "I don't even know what to do with all of this love"?
How is it that loving vulnerably with my whole heart is no longer a place of fear, but of rest and unspeakable joy? How is it that when Love pours Himself out of me that I am fulfilled, lacking nothing, and don't care if I receive anything in return? How is it that I am no longer concerned with keeping tabs on human terms, but with basking in the heavenly joy that I receive when I give? How is it that He satisfies me so much that even the slightest acknowledgement from the ones I love is received as lavishing grace because I was already overflowing?
How is it that I think of "dying every day" and resting in His love as one in the same? What brought me to the point of believing that when He leads me to "sacrifice," it is no sacrifice at all? What is it that makes me so convinced of future delight that I am dancing now over a goodness I haven't seen, but can taste anytime by trust?
Though I have not seen Him, I love Him, and even though I do not see Him now I trust Him and am filled with inexpressible and glorious joy, obtaining as the outcome of my trust... 1 Peter 1:8-9
How is it that I approach the throne of Grace boldly with joyful, open hands? How is it that I don't think anything would be too much to ask? What makes me think that YHWH is glorified and pleased to give me the desires of my heart?
How am I not surprised anymore when He gives good gifts to His Brittany?
Who convinced me that I can live and love as if I have no good thing to lose or ill thing to gain? What makes me think I am so free?
Why in the world am I walking boldly along a line of blatant, visible uncertainty with goblets of bravery and every ounce of love I have ever known? Why do I feel so secure? What thrusts me into a place that is beyond unafraid, but playfully hopeful? How can One Man's promises corner me into such excitement?
What makes me think I know and feel the heartbeat of the Lover of my soul? What caused me to believe that I find more in a moment of faith than others learn in decades of "knowledge"? Who am I to say that I know His heart? Do I think I'm His darling wife, His treasured inheritance to whom He longs to reveal Himself?
Yes. I do.
How is it that a situation that could have easily been complicated and painful was instead freeing, graceful, simple and restful? Do I think His yoke is that easy?
How is it that I can sit on the floor and say nothing and another in the room can feel immensely loved by my presence? Why do I keep finding that the more I rest in His love and enjoy His presence, the more love others experience through me?
Why do I think Jesus is so eager not only to love me, but to love FOR me? Why would I think He wants to do anything on my behalf?
Scars. It's His scars, people.
How could I have a terribly heavy heart one day and then freely, joyfully let the ocean's waves crash over me the next? What is that thing in me that loves to play without a goal and laugh because I can? What kept me doing cartwheels on the beach until I was too dizzy to stand upright...and not care? How is it that I played tag with the shore and lost every time but felt like I had won a prize anyway?
How is it that I don't try to process beauty anymore -- visible or not -- but only want to behold it?
How is it that the only measure I use anymore is not time or space or quantity, but love?
What made me say to my dear friend, "Knowing Him in all things seemed irrelevant until it consumed me...and then everything else seemed irrelevant"?
How is it that the only thing to ever make me stubborn is love?
How is it that sometimes I can't get past the embrace of His love to even notice if I am cold or tired or hungry?
What makes me think that the more vulnerable I am, the more love I will receive? Why do I think I am only opening myself up to grace? Why don't I think it's a gamble? Why am I not afraid of being disappointed?
What finally broke my belief in the lie that when I choose to love one person, I am not loving another?
Why am I no longer afraid to put together something so raw and unedited? Such is my heart. Why don't I taste any shame when I let things be what they already are, out in the open instead of festering within?
Why am I beginning to love my weaknesses and not think so highly of my strengths?
What has made me so bold -- or is it weak? -- that I err on the side of grace?
Why do I think of myself as royalty?
Why do I think He loves me so much?
Why do I think that being in a desert with Jesus sounds more like a honeymoon getaway than a season of drought?
What is it that makes me believe my heart and my feelings aren't right or wrong anymore, but just ARE? Why have I stopped telling myself what I should be or do, but instead tell myself to just BE whatever and however I am in Him? Only in Him.
Why? How? And what?
I think the questions pronounce more than any answers I could muster up. I'll leave them as they are, for now.